The Dark Night Of The Soul (for lack of imagination)

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After the first year or so when I experienced the manifestation of this energy in my body, things began to settle down again. In saying this, I mean that in some way, my body started to acclimate itself to whatever force this was, at least on a physical level. The seemingly supernatural effects of this invisible force permeating my body and causing me to have a host of physiological, spiritual, and psychological side effects began to wane over time, and I felt myself returning to the somewhat normal state of being that I previously had experienced up until that point. At least to some degree, so that I was able to once again regain normalcy in my day-to-day living. Although, I should note that I only mean this in a sense that my abilities to interact with others in a way that hid the underlying activity was easier for me to do. The reality was that the inner turmoil and confusion and wonderment with what was happening never really went away. The acclimatization then, was in large part, my ability to conceal in a more effective way, my newly realized understandings and strange personality; that to others, if they were to truly listen and experience who I was, would probably have deep concerns over my psychological state of mind.

So, after this initial period began to pass, when the new realizations began to set in and slowly embed themselves into my being, throwing to the wind anything I previously thought I knew, and crumbling the very foundation of my existence to a pile of rubble (metaphysically speaking), I was gifted with some minuscule ability to once again interact with the people I knew. I sensed that this was really just a superficiality and that underneath it all, I was a completely different person – no longer primarily concerned with the physicalities of life such as materialism or social standing, and keenly aware of the lie being fed to everyone from the controllers of society. From that time through now, several years later, I can see a slow progression in what appears to be this normalization, but which is in reality, the cementing of a higher state of conscious awareness – that is of course still co-habitating on a physical plane of existence. Whatever changes occurred within, in terms of how I perceived the integrated nature of life in this world, with the subtle energetic and spiritual side of things, which ultimately provides the basis and structure and life force with which everything appears to exist, now formed the mental framework with which I viewed everything. In spite of the fact that I continually questioned whether or not what happened to me was a fluke or temporary phenomena, and that on some level I had completely lost my mind psychologically; there was a deepening sense that the true nature of it all was that I had only been going through a period of heightened spiritual evolution.

During this same period, I continued trying to learn and expand my consciousness, through reading and meditation and contemplation. Although strangely and ironically, even through the time of this writing, there has been an extended period of time when I felt as though nothing was changing, nothing was being learned, and that I was stagnating and “lost” in a sense. I continually questioned the meaning to it all. What is the point to all of this? What should I now be doing with my life? I sensed from the beginning that this was going to have a dramatic impact on what I did and what I wanted to achieve, yet I didn’t know how long the process of transformation would last until anything of that nature manifested itself within me. Yet, it stuck with me in the back of my mind every day, as if I was in constant contact with a higher force, my “higher self” if you will, letting me know that a new day was dawning. To me, the difficulty in this process, is that there is no timetable, per se, and that a new level of patience has to be realized to come out in the end in one piece. Only after reflecting on this period of time have I come to realize that not only was/is this a time of re-adjustment, but that in some sense, it was/is a testing of sorts, a “Dark Night of the Soul” – that at least some people who have experienced this sort of thing ultimately go through. This term is only metaphorical though, in a sense that it is less a “night” and more of an extended period of time when the newly wrought realizations about life and the supernal experiences which have occurred, have seemingly disappeared, and you are suddenly left wondering what it was all about. For me, it has been a time when I have indeed questioned everything – not only with what has happened to me, but with the fact that I have struggled intensely with the meaning of my life. I found myself at odds with what all of this is about, having experienced periods of heightened agitation, frustration, loneliness, and a sense of isolation from everyone and everything – instead of what most would think should be happening, that being a heightened sense of oneness and love between myself, nature, and all the other people around me. What was apparent to me before, when all this first began, had in some ways to my perception, disappeared altogether for much of the time, and had been replaced with this extended period of spiritual and psychological darkness, that threw into question what I thought should be happening.

This frustration, to me, has been occurring as a result of the contradiction between how I now view life and how I am actually living it. A dichotomy exists between two opposing perceptions of reality – an old one in which the spiritual aspect of life isn’t a primary focus or element of daily life, and the normal, everyday on-goings that I find myself in, such as maintaining some sort of occupation and form of subsistence – and then a simpler, more natural, truthful, or connected way of being that isn’t caught up in it all. Not simply this though, but that the intense nature of this pull towards a different way of being seems so incompatible with my old way of life, that it sometimes drives me mad – not knowing how to make the necessary changes I need to move in that direction. It also seems compounded by the fact that while I feel on a deep level that my new perceptions of life are starting to integrate, the initial experiences I had; the ecstatic feelings, physical sensations, expansive sense of reality, and otherworldly dreams appear to have left me altogether. I find myself struggling, as if I were shown to some degree the basic rules or necessities on how to survive on a desert island, and I was just left there one day, alone, with nothing but the clothes on my back. Only, the necessities of surviving on an island are obvious and show themselves to you – you search for water and food, build a shelter, and learn how to make a fire. With this, nothing is obvious. What I sense is a fire burning within my soul, a deep and unyielding knowing that my life as I previously experienced it is not how I should be living, and that through this I must learn how to now live in harmony and unity with the planet that provides my subsistence. That, I must start to understand the uncommon nature of the gift I have been granted, to explore myself from within and listen to or feel my intuition guide me, and less what I see every day. This, in itself, is part of the difficulty in that I still live in a world of people who seem to know little of the sort. It is close to impossible to both find the words to explain my new sense of awareness and to relate that to anyone in a way that doesn’t sound like I’ve lost my mind.

What hurts me the most is that because of all this, my frustration, lack of patience, and sometimes anger rise to the surface when interacting with my wife and children. I find myself almost forgetful of what I’ve been going through, and I am at times unable to refrain from lashing out at even the smallest of annoyances or things that don’t go my way. I fear my children are starting to perceive me in a way that will be remembered when they get older – that being a period of time when their father wasn’t a nice person, or at the very least had a complete lack of patience. When, I fought and argued and yelled more than anything else – and perhaps made them feel unloved in some way because of this apparent lack of compassion and understanding that they were only children learning how to live life. This illusion I now contend with on a daily basis, being stricken with feelings of abandonment of spirit and of a once potent force permeating my body and soul has become a two-edged sword – that which has fortunately left me etched with a knowing about something which exists outside our normal reality. Not simply a belief or theory anymore, as I previously had, but a deepened, personal understanding of the spiritual nature of human beings, that consciousness which is connected to something greater than we think, which has remained with me even though I now experience this dark side of things. And, a somewhat exceedingly long period of time for me to learn how I need to “be” as opposed to “think” in life. One that has apparently taken everything away, leaving me bare and vulnerable, in a sense that what I thought I had, or rather what my life had transformed into, has now disappeared; so that I now have to dig deep and find my way back through a continued, persistent contemplation of self and desire to actually “be” instead of simply theorizing about it.

This dark night of the soul, as some have referred to it as, seems destined to bring me to rock bottom, to make me grow excruciatingly weary of expecting something to happen to me, of manifesting such negative emotions and states of being – all with the ultimate goal of realizing again and cementing all the intuitions I have towards how I need to be in life; if only by fomenting a general malaise and disgust for how not to act and think in order to again realize how I need to be, and by understanding in a more definitive way the personal responsibility that I have in the creation and evolution of my life. Still, with my newly realized understanding of the period in which I am now going through, only know-able through trying to live in the present and witnessing my actions, trying to maintain a vigilant awareness for synchronicities and deeper meanings, and relating that to what I have recently experienced in my past, will I have the opportunity to move beyond this period and regain some semblance of balance and unity as before. How long will it take? Will being cognizant of the state I am now in, allow me to once again find that balance in a more expeditious manner, since it has now become a part of my daily consciousness? What I fear is that this is really a slow process, one that naturally progresses over the course of many years, and that regardless of the fact that I am aware of what is happening; the speed at which I begin to get through this period and incorporate this essence of higher consciousness or spirit into my life is relatively unaffected by it.

Even as this period of time progresses, whether that be months or years or perhaps longer for some, I find myself going back and forth between the possibility that this period is now ending – because for me it feels like it has been going on for years now. I feel on some days that I have a level of understanding for what I am going through and what is required of me, but then wake up on other days with a feeling and sense that in the background of my mind, sitting there in the corners and hidden places within my soul, is still this state of being that is continuing to slowly and relentlessly progress along a darkened path in search of the light – still in search of the understandings required to pull out of this condition or circumstance I am in to once again realize the superlative nature of this life we are living, and to re-connect with the potential of who we really are. I see it and feel it, and I’m reaching out for it, yet there continues to be something in the way, holding me back, disallowing me to fully re-integrate with the sense of oneness I previously felt when my body was overrun with energy and love and beauty. The general nature of these terms doesn’t sufficiently convey what I experienced; they perhaps only, in a limited way, suggest that in my opinion I went through something truly different and amazing. And again, that is the conundrum with all of it, that to explain any of it is close to impossible because words are simply not enough to create the mental and spiritual and physical composite of meaning, and to re-create the context that is required for someone else to understand what is going on. Because of this, I think it is indeed so much of an individual experience by its very nature, that it is so unique and tailored to each person, that there is in fact nothing standard or regular about any of it, and that the feelings and emotions and perceptions about things are considered so irregular and abnormal and beyond this sensual world, that it really is impossible to describe or talk about to others with any real effect to convince them this is not a dream.

The prolonged development of the dark night as it unfolds, interspersed between periods of time or days in which my mind is subdued and enwrapped in deep thoughts, and then the normal everyday living, is now what I consider to be the normal state of being – that in which I teeter back and forth in two different states of being or worlds, as it seems. At times during this physically-disconnected mental absorption that I feel, I wonder how it is that I am able to interact with others, knowing full well that I am right there with everyone else, yet sensing a complete detachment and unaffectedness by anything and everyone around me – a sort of mental numbness or apathy. It feels to me in a way, unfair to everyone else that I’m around, with perhaps some level of guilt or self-reproach, that I go through these periods in which I feel not entirely available to those I love or care about, and that my experiences and conversations with them are to no small degree superficial – at least within my mind, and that I’m missing out on things, and that it seems not entirely within my grasp to control it. How can it be that during this time when I supposedly should be reaching a higher state of being or realizing a fullness in life itself, or at the very least, connecting with others in a deeper way, that I still continue to be so very disconnected in some ways?

It’s really quite strange to me that this new normal way of being is at the same time so very peaceful and quiet and protected from external influences, enhanced with this greater awareness of my surroundings, modified with an intuitive ability to interpret physical experiences for a richer meaning, and with a sensory perception that the source of who or what I am comes from the depths of existence; and yet on another level I still continue to struggle with really letting my potential unfold into something more meaningful and with truly embracing what I experience every day. Nonetheless, this loss of things, as it seems, of spiritual abandonment or disconnection, still continues to spur me onward in a minute amount and at a rate in which I can’t perceive most of the time; but one in which I only sporadically sense or realize at different points in time. As maybe a precipice is reached, I catch a glimpse of some personal progress that I’ve made on my journey or of a minute realization for why I am – where I am in life. But, this inner work that is being done is slow and difficult and inexorable, and to be quite honest I don’t think it will ever go away, but will continue with me to the end of time – because really, there is no end to this growth and evolution. The choice I made years ago to step through this doorway into a realm of higher truth is without a doubt, one that closes behind you and does not let you go back. You can perhaps pretend, if you wish, to leave and go back to the life you once had, but in all reality that cannot happen. There is now always that underlying longing, that pull, to embrace things for what they really are, and to seek out the creative force in life, which you may consider to be god or just the living, oneness or unified consciousness that permeates everything. It becomes part of your personality in everyday living, affecting what you do and how you interact with others, integrating and affecting your whole decision making process. Yet, the whole experience and meaning behind it is entirely cloaked from others.

To even talk about this sort of thing, in a sense that you try to describe how life should be lived or what you should be doing, as opposed to what you should not be doing, is something that I don’t think is the right thing to do. I get an uneasy feeling whenever anyone tries to tell another person how life should be lived or what the true nature of something really is, and that in order to reach a certain goal – to become more enlightened or spiritual, you have to follow a certain set of steps or rules. Maybe this is just me though. Every experience I’ve had in life, has affected me in a multitude of ways, that for the most part I can’t fathom in their entirety. For others, it may affect them in different ways, that might even potentially have drastically unexpected outcomes. This is why I now hesitate to think that I should offer any advice that might be interpreted as my definitive beliefs or answer to problems – maybe just a general direction or path that I think one should to travel in life. Then again, there is no absolute way I can determine what anyone needs to experience in their life, for their own purposes and their own end goals. This goes back to my belief that the kundalini or any other spiritual, inner experience is an entirely individual path, unique to each person, and one which comes about, or is initiated, in an infinite number of different ways and manifestations.

So now, I wake up everyday, (and will once again say it) – in this eternally deepened state of mind, unable to see things in any superficial sense and continually prodded by some unknown force or impetus along a path to try and find who and what I really am, what I’m here for. You might say to yourself that it is something that can never be found, by the very nature of the goal itself. I would say that even if we can’t ever reach a goal of true enlightenment in this one lifetime, whatever that may be; it is well worth the effort to try and do so. For the simple matter that when you reach the end of this physical life, you have at least pushed onward through the difficult way, the straight and narrow, the path of moral and meritorious righteousness – in a sense that you have consistently embattled to transcend the simple and unlearned life of materialism and sensual pleasures to at least catch a glimpse of something greater, with the intuitive knowing that when you do move on from your current body, there has been progress made and wisdom learned. That, in no small measure, what society deems acceptable and worthy in terms of becoming educated and successful is actually all wrong, and in fact backwards to how humanity should be. This extended plateau that I now find myself on, seems to be the stage of this process where much of the work is being done, the day-to-day living, the wandering and slow realization over time that it is in some way pointless to fight against or resist your own true nature, once it has been re-discovered amongst the mental wreckage that is the current state for much of humanity.

So now here I sit, over four years later as I culminate this first segment of writing, that for all intents and purposes reflects my initial experiences and the internal process in which I’ve tried to adapt to this new way of living – much of it in a purely subjective way and outside the norms of mainstream society or what many would deem rational. To me everything is real, to mostly everyone else, nothing has changed. And, that is what I’ve learned it’s about, that the nature of this spiritual journey is an entirely personal venture that is being done quietly and secretly within myself, inherently outside and separate from the world, so it is necessarily non-existent to all others. In this way, I can’t expect anyone else to empathize with me because it is impossible for anyone else to fully understand to any extent if they haven’t also tread a similar path. The work that is required of this experience is done within the mind and soul, with symptomatic expressions in the physical body. But fundamentally though, it is non-physical, in trying to connect more with the spirit of who we are – and this is unique to whomever travels along the path. So, there is an infinite number of individual ways one can go along this path in order to grow spiritually and try to attain some semblance of wisdom or enlightenment about where we find ourselves in life. That is the realization when the journey is taken in earnestness, even though the illusion is that we must follow a certain set of rules or some sort of religious script, dogma, or practice. When we realize that we all have it within ourselves to attain something greater than the simple physical life we see, it spurs us on automatically to grow even deeper within ourselves and to seek out more meaning. The more you learn and understand, the more you get pulled into the spiritual abyss, so to speak, with no road back from where you came. In my opinion, this is how it works when the journey is true and real and when it is sought out from the depths of your being. The kundalini, being a mysterious force, is what triggered this mass of changes within me and which is the one thing that by its very nature started to answer many of my questions about life – if only because it was a previously imperceptible force, seemingly connecting my body with something outside the physical world. This illustrates perfectly how as you dig deeper and deeper into this realm of spirit, learning and meditating, and opening your mind up to things that you previously considered unreal; you eventually experience things of a supernatural nature. You create and manifest into your reality and that brings you closer to what might be considered more absolute, and that almost always wakes you up from the hazy fog of illusions you have been living in since your were birthed into this world.

There is a requirement though of extreme persistence and patience, and this is needed because of the duration of the journey you embark upon. It is a lifelong journey from the point in which you pass through this door until the time of your physical death. However, it seems to me, once you start to wake up to the realities of this existence, you automatically develop this level of patience and internal stamina because your eyes have been opened to something far greater and more meaningful, and this alone re-programs your mind and body to be able to better handle what is required of someone who now follows the path of enlightenment. You don’t need to fret and wonder about how you will develop this level of strength – it will come to you. A newly developed sense of focus and inner peace and quiet will also avail itself to you as you progress, as it is both a requirement for your development and a side effect and benefit of living a life connected more to spirit and your true self. After you pass through the different stages of development in your awakening, this focus seems at times to magnify and become ever more intense. At times you may become disconcerted with your new personality changes, if only because you start to think you no longer fit in with mainstream society. For this you must continue to trudge onward, knowing that what is happening to you is the personal development of spiritual qualities that are more harmonious with an enlightened way of being. It will be difficult at times. You will go through periods in which you feel alone and separated from everyone else – this is all part of the journey. You should remember though, that you are not alone and that others are in existence right now and going through the same sort of thing. Because of this, you should understand that this is not an individual – but a human experience, and that these types of changes are as natural as anything else and a sign of your progression along the path.

Can We Be Ego-Less?

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I wonder about the feasibility of reducing the ego down to nothing in order to really find our true self. Is it possible for humans to do this, in light of the fact that we seem to be spiritual beings experiencing life in a physical body? Spiritual adepts of the past and present suggest through their writings that this is a requirement for enlightenment. And, if we truly are spiritual beings, something infinitely more than three dimensional cell-based bodies, then it seems to me that the idea of an ego-less existence is within the grasp of anyone who realizes it and seeks it out. The ego then is reduced to nothing more than an illusion that we carry with us in our daily lives, as a result of the false idea that we are only physical beings living a material existence. In the months prior to my awakening, I felt aspects of my ego drifting away from me. The level to which I applied value and importance to aspects of ego had decreased noticeably and I woke up one day and realized what had happened without my noticing it. I didn’t know why at the time. Now, looking back and being able to understand the individual preparation I was going through; it needed to be reduced as it was an unsustainable aspect of my being, and blockage to understanding the truth that an elevated human consciousness does exist outside this illusion we call life.

My ego and belief that what I am is a body living in a finite world, as well as a random expression of life with only the opportunity to evolve physically and mentally, was slowly being withered away under the auspices that a new realization based on personal spiritual experience was about to befall me. I persistently felt during the time prior to this, a deepening sense of oneness with everything, a continuous urge to go within my soul to find answers, and a release of the meaningless things that trapped my mind in a box, which so disabled my ability to fruitfully move forward in what seems to be my predestined awakening of the soul. I have contemplated in the past and tried to find a rationale for how things fell into place, and for what I equate to a metaphysical vacuum drawing me in, removing the detritus, and purifying my soul. And yet, despite this, I haven’t discovered any rational reasons for the changes that occurred within me – perhaps because there is nothing rational about it. Only that I consciously sought out a greater understanding and was provided with what I needed, in a myriad of ways, to achieve that end. It has become clear to me, that the elimination of ego and existing self perceptions is an important aspect in being able to connect to a source outside the physical realm, and to take that next step in spiritual evolution.

How or why would a person not familiar with meditation, or for that matter, the understanding of a higher consciousness beyond the physical body be interested in removing the ego? How often does the average person think about what it really is and how it affects their everyday life? Anyone can, if they make the effort to do so. But, I suspect that most people do not. It’s difficult to say the least, trying to live in this illusory existence which appears so much to be only a 3-D physical reality, and to have the realization that in order to grasp something beyond that, we just need to let it all go and see beyond the self. To connect to this alternate reality then, as I have suggested, requires us to remove mundane thoughts about what is going on in the world, to sit in quiet for a while, and get in touch with our true spirit. I think though, that the perception of personality and ego hold so much power over what we do, and create such a sense of comfort and predictability for us, that many people are afraid of what they might realize if they choose to do so. We like living in the illusion. What is it about the truth that scares us so much? Is this a result of our society’s coddling culture? Or, is there something inherent in human beings that compels us to create this illusory world, because the alternative is too difficult to confront?

The Discernment Of Truth

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Being both a precursor and after effect of this experience is the ability to see through the cloudy haze of lies and illusions perpetrated onto humanity in such a blatant and offensive way that we see today. In the former, the ability already exists to no small degree, which is part of the reason why one is interested in and seeks out meditation and enlightenment. This helps guide us down the path towards truth. In the latter, the degree to which we can then differentiate truth from fiction in daily life is enhanced to an even greater degree, driven by the release of this dormant energy and ultimate source of awareness and intelligence. This however seems to only be the beginning phase in the opening up of our senses and conscious abilities, which remarkably appear to automatically develop in a short period of time through no additional will of our own. As I have experienced virtually overnight, any questions or doubts I had about my understanding and perception of the truth – not just regarding the human body, but through interpreting current events on the so-called news, listening to global leaders speak about world affairs, or trying to decipher the journalistic integrity of mainstream media has vanished and I fully understand and know without much effort what the truth is versus what is complete nonsense. In listening to my intuition, I don’t continuously need official evidence or supporting facts provided to me by some outside source to tell me what makes sense or not. It is clearly obvious that there is a mass manipulation on the part of those who control the world, to suppress much of the most important and life transforming knowledge accumulated through mankind’s history, in an effort to prevent us from progressing beyond our present physically-fixated state of being to one of enhanced conscious awareness and understanding of the interconnectedness of everything and everyone. Again, in my opinion, the release of this energy is both a result of this understanding and the prima facie cause of it which serves to enhance our awareness to an even greater degree.

The reason why there have been so few in number, who have awakened in this way, is because the ability to grasp the truth in a world of propaganda and continual distraction has proven to be so influential in controlling the mind. I am sure, if humanity decided one day to simply turn off the television and stop reading the news, and made a concerted effort to listen and take better care of themselves, and to find a deeper connection with the environment around them; over a relatively short period of time, we would see a dramatic increase in the number of people experiencing the same sort of conscious awakening. This experience then, still being a great puzzle to me, is a metaphorical opening of the doorway into a new reality of life that has been hidden since our inception, mainly through suppression of truth and information by those in the know. It is truly humanity’s release from the psycho-spiritual prison that has been created over the ages, and one that has the potential to set us free from our existing socio-cultural paradigm based on materialism, power, and control; to one that embraces the human experience more towards physical transcendence.

The discernment of truth is no different from understanding the nature of reality, in that you fully take into account the information you receive through your intuition, making it whole with your sensory perceptions of what is happening around you. There is no separation between what you perceive to be real and truthful based on your senses and what comes through to you in intuition. It is in fact all one; we just haven’t become accustomed to basing a holistic idea for truth on this because of our lack of acceptance towards what cannot be quantified or rationalized outside of what we physically experience. Our intuition gives us a fuller picture through an influx of information on another level – one that should not be ignored and that perhaps is accompanied by human emotions as a means of expressing information received from outside the physical realm and from the source where everything is interconnected.

It is quite possible then, that the one who is viewed as too emotional, may in fact be more in touch with his or her intuition to a greater extent than others. While on the one hand our emotions can mark what we experience in this life, such as joy and sorrow; it can also represent a manifestation of information coming in from the source that can help us better understand our life. In the sense of this awakening, it may be the essential understanding we need, as a prerequisite, in order to really learn our lessons and continue growing. It would benefit us to let go of the preconditioned idea that we always need objective, empirical evidence in order to make good decisions, and to simply trust in ourselves and our instincts more often than not. This though, requires us to go against the accepted system of education and philosophy of thought we have been indoctrinated into from the beginning, and embrace the fact that all we need can be found within ourselves. Embrace your individuality, be yourself, feel your emotions, and do not conform to an accepted way of being that tries to convince you that you are otherwise less intelligent, disciplined, and in control of yourself, because you aren’t entirely rational and measured.

To me then, emotions may be a physical, human expression of information received from the source, as well as through our senses, for the purpose of being able to experience feelings in a personal way. This is part of what makes us uniquely human, in that we can feel things in a different way that is not purely through our five senses. When we try to repress our emotions, we are not serving ourselves well, as we are only repressing information being received through intuition that is there for the purpose of providing a richer, fuller experience of life. In stating this though, I’m not necessarily suggesting that all emotions should be expressed to their fullest in our lives, but rather understood when they come so that we can better interpret what we’re going through. As with most things in life, there needs to be balance. The key to being able to do this effectively is perhaps the ability to maintain calmness of thought, have an understanding of the human condition, love, and empathy for others; so that when emotions are felt, they don’t run amuck and exert too much control over our interactions. This now brings me back to my initial thought that we actually feel emotions within ourselves. We can’t see or touch them in the physical world – so then, what are they really? To say they are simply bio-chemical reactions to experiences seems senseless to me. It seems to me that emotion is one of those things that is unquantifiable outside the realm of defining the biological mechanism that occurs within the body. Not everyone feels sadness or happiness at the same things. To me, emotion is effectively a sixth sense that integrates all our other senses together for a more complete understanding. And, like the others, we need to flow with it in order to take advantage of everything it has to offer. In this sense, we should embrace our emotions and not fall prey to those suggesting that they need to be held in check or ignored for the sake of being level-headed.

The Real Me Is Unfolding

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What would the real me be like, if it were in fact possible to actually get to a point where all the accumulated life experiences were stripped away and the essence of pure human consciousness was left? I get a feeling deep down inside that much of what we humans have experienced in this world since our physical birth, has had the affect of adding layer upon layer of psychological and emotional clutter, like an impermeable crust, that has done nothing but distract us from the truth and prevent us from reaching our potential as human beings. And, maybe this is just a result of what our backwards society has done to us over the millennia – most likely intentionally. This though, has essentially concealed who we truly are and what our potential is, in terms of being able to express ourselves by utilizing our brains to their fullest capacity and connecting ourselves on a transcendent spiritual level to the greater cosmos. Sometimes I think here, that I might be going off on a tangent with the purpose of my writing, and that the original intent to describe my personal experiences with what I believe to be such an awakening, might be getting lost in whatever else comes to mind. However, one of the effects of it as I see it, is an increased ability to see through the lies and distractions in life, and to chip away at all the nonsensicality in order to see the truth. This inevitably leads me to thoughts on the nature of reality and subjects such as this, where I wax philosophical about how life might be changed for the better in a spiritual sense.

As I sit and think about these things, the question arises in my mind as to what specifically is happening within me at the deepest levels of my being; that is spontaneously causing me to think in different ways? If my true personality is beginning to unfold and show itself, in part, because I now have a finely-tuned ability to detect even the smallest minutia of lies that society spoon feeds to us, I’m doing it without even thinking about it. What is that personality ultimately going to manifest itself as? Over time, will I find that I can no longer stand living a normal life, and be unable to perform my normal routine of work that I’ve spent so long practicing over the years? Will I begin to sense that life is in fact too precious and short to waste on the daily commute to work, and by doing something that really only serves to provide a paycheck, and nothing else even remotely fulfilling. If I don’t, I will surely wake up one day down the road, asking myself why I didn’t listen to my intuition tell me the time is nigh to make some dramatic changes – ones that embrace the inviolability of the human experience, and not simply to make a living and pay the bills. If anything, this realization is now firmly setting itself in my neural pathways, and without the least bit of uncertainty on my part as to its meaning, that my life’s path now unequivocally has to go in a different direction. I have come to see that my every waking hour is spent to some degree in contemplation on the true nature of reality, coming to terms with the fact that the world I thought I grew up in doesn’t exist in any real sense. It seems that my previous education has been at best questionable as to its efficacy, and the history lessons I learned nothing but a fictitious account designed to dissuade me from seeking the real truth. I now fortunately find myself able to assay my own information, and from various sources, that serves the purpose of breaking down the illusions I once held about our world, and freeing my mind to think for itself.

This also causes me to reflect on one of the primary struggles we have as a human race – that being the inability to really think for ourselves, because of all the distractions presented to us by the powers-that-be, who seem so determined to keep humanity’s potential hidden. Again, this topic veers off somewhat from my main thought on how my personality is changing due to this release. But, it is indirectly related in many ways because of the fact that like its potential, everything we need to further our individual evolution and become more enlightened is already within us. Yet, we have become so blinded from the truth and off-track from our natural course, and that our own true account of history has been so obscured and purposely hidden away in what can only be viewed as the intentional repression of humanity. Phenomenon such as this or any other so-called mystical or supernatural experiences that are innate to human beings, are either entirely discredited or labeled as some sort of religious fanaticism by the same mainstream organizations who work so tirelessly to keep hidden the secrets of humanity; to the extent they can continue control and manipulation over the masses. To counter this, we need to embrace some of the fundamental tenets in spiritual evolution – that being the inter-connectedness of everything, the love of self and others, and the understanding that all we need is within us. Of which, it is my opinion that this can help break through the psychological barriers we find ourselves constrained by, with the effect of reducing negative energy that exists in the world and increasing the positive.

A Shift In Personality

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When the kundalini awakens within you, it takes everything you think you know and rips it to shreds. Every belief, thought, and perception of what is right versus wrong & good versus evil is effectively destroyed and no longer seems to exist (in the same way) within your mind. The morning I woke up after this awakening had occurred and it showed to me that forces actually do exist in the universe which I thought were previously nonexistent, I became a completely different person – although it took me a while to truly realize the magnitude of the effects. The very nature of my personality shifted to such a great degree, that in retrospect, I considered this new personality to be foreign to that which existed before. At first, I made some effort to maintain the veneer of my old self for the sake of not frightening those around me with such a drastic and immediate change. But, over time I found it impossible to continue doing this. In large part because my mind had now shifted to another way of being, and because I felt so strongly that such an intense struggle was now ensuing from within, which consisted of opposing cognitive beliefs and a newly-realized knowledge of hidden potentials within man, that it could no longer be ignored or put aside.

Before all this happened, in my mind and based upon my existing mental framework and ideology, I had presupposed a set of questions and answers about life – things that I thought I had worked out on some level, which helped to provide some semblance of meaning, purpose, or direction in which to go about living. I had always believed that on some level, humanity had the potential to evolve in ways that transcended the purely physical world we live in. Perhaps this is part of the reason why, at this time, I set forth along a path to explore these frontiers in a deeper way. Maybe this was my allotted time to do so or maybe something happened to me that triggered a desire and curiosity to seek out something different. Either way, it was neither entirely intellectual nor spiritual, but a combination of both. And, as I’ve alluded to previously, I intuitively felt as if I was being nudged and goaded down this path, suggesting to me that it was time to move beyond the life I had been living up to that point and to now do something else.

One of the most obvious and drastic personality changes in my mind was the level of quietude and internal reflection that was now occurring on a regular basis and becoming a dominant factor in how I experienced things when I was awake. My personality was somewhat quiet to begin with, and now even more so, which probably went a long way in helping to conceal the intensification to which this trait was now taking hold. I suppose to some people there was perhaps not such a noticeable change about me, and that it was all internalized in my perception. I suppose too in some ways, I simply no longer had the desire to go outside of my self in order to answer questions that could be answered from within. And, when I use this terminology “within”, I don’t necessarily mean my own thought process, but in actuality a deeper connection to the source that is ultimately where my life force and consciousness emanates from. A source that is accessible through meditation, internal reflection, and quiet. It was quite literally an instantaneous transformation from being someone who, at least on some small level, still held a notion that we were somewhat isolated individuals who were perhaps connected to some other source of knowledge and wisdom; to being someone who now understood firsthand that we are certainly and inexplicably connected to and a part of a greater living consciousness with potentials far beyond our wildest dreams.

Most of the time now, I find myself walking around in daily life, at work and at home, in this continually broody state of mind with a sort of invisible barrier of tranquility and introspection that even the most confusing and busy surroundings can not seem to penetrate. During the day, even when I’m surrounded by noisy and confusing situations which envelope me, with children fussing or adults conversing; I have this ability to remain aware of what is happening, seemingly only on the surface of my mind, and still shielded from its superficial nonsense that for many people distracts them from any sense of discernment of true reality and importance. My now inward-pointing personality reflects a predilection I have towards being with myself and a lack of desire to socialize in many ways with people. At this point in my life, I now seek out peace and quiet in my surroundings to appease this newly acquired need for solace. Since this all began, I’ve felt at times almost completely turned off from anything that resembled normal, mundane living, and preoccupied with an internal journey of sorts and with exploring the frontiers between all the different facets of the hidden life I now believe to exist.

Another interesting aspect of this has been my inability or lack of desire to do anything that might have negative karmic effects related to it. As time passed, I found it strangely uncomfortable to do things such as talk about people behind their backs, judge or criticize, hold grudges, speak angrily, or even attempt to discuss with others that I’ve realized some amazing truth about life. I’m not making any extra effort to not do these things in order to progress down some sort of spiritual path. It’s just now a part of who I am, initiated through this process that is occurring within me and ostensibly because of a greater understanding of the “oneness” of everything, the realization that we are all at varying points in our personal journeys, and that everything just is what it is. Nothing should be taken personally, there is no need for it. There is no one right way of living life – everyone has their own paths. There are however certain actions, perhaps all actions for that matter, that have an opposite karmic effect that we should be aware of. There is a balance to life that is maintained automatically by the universe, whether we know it or not. This is part of the karma. And, all of this now induces me to be even more so detached from superficial aspects of life and outcomes of which I seemingly have little to do with.

This detached personality trait that now exists can be misconstrued as something that makes me seem uncaring or distant to some. To me, it is evidence of the fact that I have in some way grasped hold of another level of consciousness and no longer live my life concerned primarily with physical matters, knowing that deep within there is something going on that transcends all of it. A greater vision has been realized, another dot has been connected in the grand scheme of things that has shown to me a clearer picture of what “reality” actually is (or is not). This is not to say that life itself, as we know it in worldly terms, is not in one sense or another a part of the universal reality or purposeful in any way. It is perhaps though, only one phase in the evolution of life and understanding of who or what we really are. There is a difficulty though with the sense of detachment I experience now, that sometimes makes me feel very alone. To begin with, I don’t feel as though I can go back to the way I was previously. I can’t un-detach from life as most of us perceive it. I’ve jumped down into the rabbit hole and there is quite literally no way back out. I wasn’t advised of this fact when I started, in earnest, on my journey for the truth. My path of learning and experiences up to this point have shown to me a different view of life, they have revealed some of the hidden doors behind all the scraggly thicket, and they have illuminated to me the supernatural nature of reality itself – at the very least that there are invisible forces and an intelligence working hand-in-hand with the physical body, if not manifesting the physical body in its entirety. If I were to try and go back to how I was beforehand, I would just be lying to myself and wouldn’t be able to do that for very long because it is entirely out-of-sync with my current state of being.

All of this makes me feel at times as if I am a stranger in a strange land. One where people are going about their daily routine, concerned primarily with the rudimentaries of life and seeking a subsistence that is unnatural, manufactured, and pre-packaged – from chemical-laced junk food to the continuous seeking of entertainment and distractions that keep everyone anesthetized from seeking the truth about who they really are. I find it difficult these days to listen in and engage in conversations with people, because underlying most topics of discussion are the individual distortions inherent in each personality. This is all part of the adventure of life, yes. And, that people are all at different points in their personal journeys, as I mentioned. I just now feel a difficulty in relating to all of it when I wake up every day. It’s sort of like when you practice a sport and reach a certain level of skill. You want to continue to push yourself to get better and better by playing with people who are at or above your level. It’s not that you don’t continue to play pick-up games around the neighborhood with everyone. But, it’s that you have a deep desire to make it to the professional levels and see what true potential lies within – how far you can push it, so to speak. That is the crowd you now find yourself aspiring to associate with.

Where does this new personality take me in the future? How different will I be in the years to come? How often do we find those who are fortunate enough to have experienced this awakening, be able to really come to terms with what has happened and to learn from it and incorporate this new reality into their existing lives? Or, is it that this process fundamentally changes everything you know and nothing is even remotely the same again? Based on my experiences so far, I can see how someone who is perhaps not grounded in themselves or who does not understand the kundalini sufficiently, can be driven completely mad by the changes brought about by such a process. I have at times felt such a dizzying array of physical symptoms, accompanied with the continuous breakdown of my existing belief systems which creates at least a temporary cognitive dissonance; in which I haven’t known where to turn for help or how to come to terms with the thoughts running through my mind. Thankfully though, this hasn’t been the norm most of the time.

Insofar As Changes Were Wrought

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It’s difficult for me to comprehend how the inculcation of this process and opening of this doorway might change me in the coming years. I have a feeling that there are too many physiological aspects and levels of intricacy to which this force might affect my body; I don’t know how my thought process or biological configuration might be transformed beyond what their current state is. In only a short period of time so far though, my primary point of reference, or locus of control, with regard to seeking answers to my questions now comes from within instead of without. And, while in the past I’ve let my intuition guide me in my decision-making process, I do it now without first even considering going outside to someone or something else. I trust myself and the intuitive process more than I ever have before because I feel like it is a direct connection with this field of pure intelligence and consciousness we are all a part of. In stating this though, I’m not suggesting in any way that I have gained any super-normal intuitive powers. But, that because of this experience I’ve become more aware that the truth I seek, my path, can only be fully realized by yielding my full faith and trust that internal reflection is the key to it all. In other words, god is within us and not some external entity providing to us what we need as we ask for it through prayer.

This compulsion I now have to search within myself for answers has outwardly affected my personality at least to the extent that I may generally seem quieter than before. And, while I was somewhat like this before it all started, I imagine the perception to some is that something may not be quite right with me. I think though, this will pass over time as I begin to better understand the process and transform my life into something with deeper spiritual meaning. I often wonder how my children view me, especially with what I am now going through. Do they notice any changes? Do they pick up on any subtle energies or moods that I seem to move in and out of so often? Are there any side effects of this that have an affect on them, being so close day in and day out. I’ve noticed recently my three-year old daughter has been excessively clingy since this all started, which was a change from her normal behavior. Does her innocence and free-spirited mind allow her to sense something different is happening to me that draws her in?

At this stage, two months into it, there seems to be a myriad of ways in which my physical body has been affected; most obvious to me being an almost continual state of fatigue. The overall level of energy I have seems to fluctuate over the short-term, but generally speaking it seems to be sapping my energy long-term. For example, the level to which I was once able to exercise my body physically has decreased since this was initiated, although the mental motivation to do it is still there. My only thought is that it is a re-direction of vitality needed to recuperate my body as I continue to adapt to what is happening to me. I still question though whether or not my diet is sufficient enough to compensate for it, and I try to continually be aware of how my body reacts to the timing, quantity, and quality of my food intake. Even in light of this, what is most peculiar to me is that it still doesn’t take as much exercise as it once did, to maintain the level of physical fitness as before. My metabolism seems to have become more efficient, as I do less and achieve more in a physical sense. The most problematic part of my over 40 body in the past few years has been trying to minimize body fat around my mid-section. Now, it’s simply not there. Although, this is purely a physical concern and one associated more with ego than anything else. As I view my body in the mirror, I am amazed at the overall level of lean muscle despite the fact my normal routine has been interrupted so much. I can literally exercise my abdominal area once or twice per week and it is as lean as it’s ever been before. It makes me wonder about the extent to which someone who was not fit in any sense of the word would to adapt to this spiritual awakening. How much does physical conditioning impact the process, if any?

In utter amazement, and with regard to the idea that the release of this energy has a life-altering side effect on those around you, I have witnessed a change in my wife that is both truly exciting for me and bewildering. In the same time period, which is too coincidental to simply disregard, I have listened to her describe to me on many occasions, a new way of thinking and living that is now a part of her life. She now seems to want to seek a life of truth and meaning, one that makes a real difference in the world. My perception is that she now seems to see clearly through the ridiculousness of society, the utter pointlessness to which we humans have become so caught up in the race for material things and self-gratifying distractions – that so destroys the sanctity of our inherent human spirit and the evolution of mankind. I have listened to her describe to me again and again a desire to live a life consistent with these values. This, to me, points to the fact that for some reason, whether related to my experiences or not, she now views life in a fundamentally different way than before – and one that at its core is unable to ignore the truth and reality of the world we now find ourselves in. It suggests to me that whatever energetic changes I am going through, in some way have also wrought similar changes within her. I assume it has something to do with the close physical proximity on a daily basis, or perhaps even the connection we have as husband and wife on an entirely mental or psychological level that necessarily ties us together in this regard. Ultimately, it is this need to find meaning and truth to our existence that transforms us, pushes us towards the goal of achieving harmony and balance with nature, and finding oneness with everything and everyone.

I also have this notion within my mind that it is changing me automatically, and that I’m not actually trying to be a certain way in order to align with it. It’s as if as soon as this started, my DNA and thought process was instantly re-programmed to something else, something better that cleared away my vices, my unresolved issues, my lingering questions and doubts about what is real or not. The sense of detachment to things unimportant, that I claimed to have prior to this occurrence, was strengthened and validated in my mind by the fact that I now personally experienced a phenomenon so unquestionably powerful, that I could no longer even attempt to convince myself otherwise. And, when I did try to go back on myself and slip into the old ways, I was summarily reminded of the fact through a host of physical symptoms related specifically to what it was I was doing. At least in the beginning, I experienced intolerable headaches and exhaustion for consuming even a small glass of wine and the most piercing cranial pains when I regressed into negative thought patterns. To someone not familiar with the process in any way, or for what its effect is on the human body, the question might be asked “What does any of this have to do with a spiritual awakening?” In my relatively emergent foray into of all this, my supposition is that spiritual awakening, as I’m experiencing it, is all about finding balance and understanding; a coalescing of mind, body, and spirit, that ties together every aspect of our lives, and stresses the importance of love and respect for all living things. There is not one little thing – from a speck of food we ingest, to the words we choose to say to one another, to the thoughts in our mind, that do not have an affect on our being, however minute and imperceptible. In my mind then, among other things, the release of this energy has the effect of amplifying and sensitizing the body in a more dramatic fashion, and to make one realize and remember the deeper conscious nature and potential of our true selves.

Leading Up To It

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In the months preceding the arousal of this dormant energy hidden within my body, I noticed what appeared to me, to be some sort of preparation of my mind and body for what was to come. About eight months out, I started to increase the frequency of my meditation to at least once every day, for about a half hour. This was in contrast to not really doing much prior to that, other than an occasional practice. This sudden change in habit seemed to shift overnight as I read more and more about spirituality and mysticism, and as I started to really embrace the idea of the inter-connectedness of all living things. In my mind, this conceptual understanding, lead me to spontaneously have the desire to devote time every day to meditation and trying to clear my mind of the clutter that accumulated through everyday living. I didn’t in any way force myself to do it, or have to put forth much effort. It just seemed as though all of the sudden, meditation was supposed to be a part of my life, and it came naturally to me to sit in total silence as a means of connecting to a deeper part of my being. As I continued to do this every night, it became easier and easier for me to get into a state of quiet where I could then begin to envision a connection between my body and this source of everything.

The practice of meditation wasn’t a completely foreign subject for me; I had been doing it off and on since I was about 16 years old. It initially started when I began practicing a form of Okinawan karate called Uechi Ryu that incorporated an element of meditation before each session. From that point, I expanded upon it in my own free time outside of the dojo, which included some general techniques I had read about in various books on eastern philosophy. Even though I made some effort to learn about how to meditate through the experiences of others, I never adhered to any strict regimen or way of doing things that felt unnatural to me. This ideology has followed me through to today, where I still tend to listen more to myself and what I think is effective when it comes to seeking inner peace and quiet.

With regard to my increase in time spent actually in meditation; I attributed this not only to my renewed interest in the subject, but to what I considered to be an otherwise unexplainable need to increase the frequency of it. It’s as if I woke up one day and it was just what I had to do. And, several weeks into it, when I thought back in my mind, I couldn’t help but question how it was I went from more or less not doing anything, to all of the sudden not being able to be without it everyday. What switch had been flipped inside my body or mind that made this happen? What connection had been established between my neurons or my subtle bodies? I imagined having reached a tipping point in my subconscious mind as I continued to learn more, that let me know that without it, I wasn’t going to achieve much in a spiritual sense.

While noticing that the more I actually sat in meditation and the easier it became for me to quiet my mind, I was able to get into a deeper state of silence than ever before. At times, I tended to lose my sense of the real world I was sitting in for something else – only to sense my mind wandering back and forth between the two as if balancing on the precipice between mundane human thoughts and whatever else was out there unseen. After several months of this increased practice and visualizing the nature of chakras in my mind, and trying to relate them to my life; I came to an understanding about what it was I was really doing. At least I think I did. Not really expecting any major breakthroughs, but simply trying to find deeper meaning in life, the thought came to me that while I sat there in darkness and solitude, I was simply doing the work that was necessary. It was during the quiet that answers to my unanswered questions were being revealed, albeit on a completely unknown level to my active mind. When I let my ego get the best of me and entertained the thought of waking up this dormant force within, I imagined it being manifested while sitting on the floor in meditation. But, as this thought occurred, I came to a personal conclusion that if anything were to happen, it would probably be spontaneously at some other time – either during my waking hours or at night; if only because I wasn’t forcing the issue and letting it just be. Even still, this was the furthest thing from my mind, because during this time I hadn’t even wrapped my head around the possibility anything like this would or could ever happen to me.

The learning process I experienced in the preceding eight months or so consisted of a lot of reading, and had the effect of both opening up my mind to new ways of thinking about the universe and with the nature of man, as well as providing information on subjects I had always wanted to know about. The books and stories I came across seemed to lead from one subject to another, in what I feel was a logical (as if logic has anything to do with it) sequence of information guiding me along an unknown path predestined to end up with the most personally transforming and surreal experience I could ever imagine. As I read and had more questions, the answers seemed to present themselves to me, either within the material I was reading or through some other related source. This then supported my personal belief that life tends to present you with everything you need in order to take the next step and grow. You just have to be aware of it. To me though, it was nothing short of miraculous how the subjects brought me along in perfect sequential order, ultimately to at least some understanding of the body’s energy centers (chakras) which help set the framework for knowing how my life needed to be balanced.

At the same time all of this was happening, I noticed something peculiar about my body. I had always tried to incorporate exercise into my lifestyle, going back to my early teenage years. To this day, I still feel it’s crucial to have some form of physical activity – the benefits to me are obvious, as I could list off ten reasons why I continue to do it in less than a few minutes. But, that is not the point. What I noticed, and perhaps few else would, was that my body was changing in a way. Not dramatically, but nonetheless noticeable to me as I tried to keep track of how my new daily routine was impacting my physical body. During this time, I had actually been less consistent with my exercises, yet my body seemed to be in better physical condition. Parts of my body where I would normally have to pay close attention to in order to keep them conditioned were doing so by themselves. In other words, I was working out with a fraction of the intensity and duration as before, and seeing better results in terms of reduced body fat and an overall leaner and more muscular physique. Not bigger, just more fit. What does this have to do with living a more meaningful life? Well, there is no denying the fact that we need to pay attention to the physical part of our bodies. It is but one aspect of several though – such as emotional, spiritual, and intellectual, that builds the foundation for an overall healthy being.

My perception now of the months leading up to this experience is of a period that brought me into an extended and deepened state of internal reflection, catalyzed by some of the things I’ve previously discussed. My usual routine tendencies towards day-to-day activities and interests were effectively put on hold, in order to allow some unseen and imperceptible intelligence to mold me into something else, a little better prepared to understand and deal with what was to come. It was not of my willpower alone that made this happen, but something else that only now I’m able to consider, as assuming some level of direction over my body and mind in ways I couldn’t possibly do prior to that. This makes no sense, I know. And, I’m not suggesting this is anything external from my body – as in another entity or god. I just can’t otherwise explain the focus and depth to which my mind went during those times, which in a myriad of different ways has remained as a part of my being. If I hadn’t learned and grown the way I did, I surely would have misdiagnosed myself as crazy or sick with some sort of ailment, and possibly went to see a doctor for things he or she was in no way prepared to deal with.