When I stop to think about how or when my spiritual awakening began, or the opening of what I perceive to be a connection between my physical body and other spiritual or non-physical forces, or even what others might refer to as a kundalini awakening; I hesitate to say that it all began in earnest on May 7, 2012. Although, that is when the really interesting events began to unfold. There had simply been too many subtle things occurring within me on a deeper personal level, prior to that, to say that one day I was just going about my business leading a normal life, and the next day it all spontaneously changed to something else more spiritual and mystical in nature beyond what words can describe in any faithful way. In hindsight, I can definitely remember that I felt compelled in the months leading up to this date, to seek a deeper truth about things, to re-engage myself in meditation, and to re-connect with nature in some way that would provide a greater sense of unity or meaning to my life. Going back in time even further than that, when I reflect on the type of person I was in my earlier teenage years or even in my twenties, I never really considered myself to be a normal person like everyone else – I was always thinking deeply about things that perhaps most people wouldn’t think twice about, and I wasn’t much of a social butterfly. I sensed growing up through all of this, because of my perception that I was literally unable to simply see things on a superficial level, that I had some other purpose in life that to me meant I was going to be much different from everyone else, at least on some level. Although, as part of the conundrum, while I sensed certain peculiarities about how I thought and went about in life, I didn’t necessarily know how that would translate down the road – or for that matter, if my personality differences really meant anything significant. I only supposed that because my mind seemingly worked differently from other people, that the result of this down the road would be that in some way my life would be more interesting or purposeful. Indeed, in some strange way and perhaps only internally cognizable within my being, the very way I think about things and contemplate on life itself, indulging my psyche in areas of deep intellectual subject matter, has done exactly that – leading to what I consider to be an extraordinary exploration of the hidden and subtle side of life.
Relating to my experience, there always seems to be a lead up to things, like an epiphany, a series of minute events all linked to one another, creating an agglomeration which unfolds to a time when something even more dramatic occurs. In paleontology, it is sometimes referred to as punctuated equilibrium, when organisms go through extended periods of time with little to no (perceivable) change, then suddenly and for whatever reason, a period of intense change or evolution occurs. For me, this almost seems like a universal evolutionary principle with any living organism. You can also see this with the imperceptible buildup of energy within the Earth prior to earthquakes, then suddenly the energy is released and the land changes form. When I think back over the past few years, I can see clearly that I was experiencing many different things leading up to this point, at least within my mind, that changed the way I viewed life in general and opened me up to the events that truly began to unveil themselves down the road. In my opinion, all of these were a foretelling of what was to happen to me, a glimpse into the future, a sensing within myself on a deep level that I needed to be prepared in a variety of ways for a life-transformation of epic proportions and beyond my wildest dreams. And, without this preparation, my personal foray into this realm would either be immensely more difficult or perhaps not even happen at all. I didn’t necessarily do it all consciously though, and because of that, it leads me to believe that on some level, our connection to this universe and life-giving force is in fact where we emanate from and find our sustenance and guidance. It is who we truly are beyond the material bodies we walk around in every day. This is the illusion and the puzzle that humanity faces, one that I have contemplated on for some time, and one that I felt I must come to terms with and understand in order to progress beyond my current stage of evolution.
When I start to think to myself that I was actually going through a period of internal preparation, one that was slowly and cumulatively changing who I was and altering my beliefs, for whatever reason it reminds me of something religiously-oriented. This is probably related to my previous experiences as a child going to a Christian church with my parents, where they preached about preparing yourself in life to be worthy of heaven or in becoming “born again” and receiving the holy spirit. None of this ever really made sense to me and I didn’t feel in any way that it should be a part of my life. It just never felt right to me, and for the most part, the biblical lessons and dogma which seem so misinterpreted and misunderstood by most people, still doesn’t resonate with me today. What I felt was entirely different from anything of a religious nature because it wasn’t about following rules or absolving sins or seeking something external that was greater than myself. I went within my self more than anything else, as if I knew that the key to whatever personal and spiritual growth I was going to have was to be found in this way, rather than given as some sort of gift for acquiescence into accepted religious doctrine. Although ironically, it was also something that seemingly happened to me – as if on some level outside of my awareness and that things were happening to me under the guidance of another intelligence. The connotation to some might be that, yes, this is God giving to me what I need. However, unlike in religion where the assumption is that God is out there somewhere watching over us, I didn’t feel the presence of another entity or being, but just more of a connection or a pull towards something beyond the physical world that began to have an impact on me. I suppose in some sense though, you can think of this as a creator of sorts, since the distinction may be slight in the verbiage use. In my mind though, it was more like pure, infinite intelligence and creativity and energy than a god-like figure on high.
I imagine too that many would question how it is I could possibly know, at least subconsciously, so far in advance what was going to happen to me and how I could know to prepare myself for such an event. Never mind that the experience itself is so far-fetched in the minds of most rational-thinking people, that it would be quickly categorized as borderline crazy. It can’t possibly be that I knew in advance, but that all I really did was to have an end goal in mind and set up a personal course of action which ultimately led up to the realization of that goal. This is the knee-jerk response and the objective and rational world-view that we’ve been conditioned to have, and one which doesn’t serve us well. This though, doesn’t take into account the synchronistic nature for how one thing led to the next and to the next, in terms of the information I gleaned about meditation and kundalini – which is what I perceive this as being; as well as other bits of knowledge from both scientific and esoteric sources on human history. In actuality, everything I learned contributed to an opening up of a new way of looking at humanity and our history. This in turn motivated me to push through the intellectual and spiritual limits that I previously thought existed. Yes, to some degree I developed the belief in and desire to learn about kundalini, of which I only had an inkling about at the time. At least on some level, it was a personal choice to begin a journey down this path – albeit with some degree of naivete. In stating this, I’m not suggesting in any way that I left my own free will by the wayside and opened myself up to something external that took over my body and directed my actions. At the same time, it was because I opened myself up through meditation and reflection, that I connected to a higher self and was able to experience this process. This is where I’m starting to discover who I truly am – beyond my surficial, thinking mind and one with everything that is. I get the sense that I’ve started to access a vast, creative reservoir of information and knowledge from this source, through the absolute silence of meditation and releasing of normal, everyday thoughts, and it’s now infusing itself in me with no other action of my own.
To anyone who is familiar with kundalini and what it is, you might start to question the veracity as my story unfolds. A kundalini awakening is not something that anyone can simply conjure up through a couple sessions of meditation and self-reflection. There is a whole lot more to it than that, and I’m not suggesting in any way that one day I discovered this phenomenon and simply read an instruction manual on how to release it. I do though believe that I had already been doing the personal work, the learning, the evolving throughout my life and perhaps in past lives (as the case may be), that led me to this point today where this force is now able to affect me in a more overt and deeper way. In the months leading up to it in 2012, I had just begun to approach this pinnacle, catching a glimpse of what was to come, and learning how to take that next big step in my own evolution. It is of course not a pinnacle, but rather just another step in the long process of transformation into something else.
All hasn’t been a bed of roses though since it all began in earnest. It’s been a difficult path full of ups-and-downs, both in terms of psychological and physical discomforts. It seems that most days have some degree of internal demands, because I find myself in a constant state of reflection about the life I now perceive to exist. I no longer have the ability to go back to how (or where) I was before this began, to a place where I suspect most people still linger in on a daily basis – that being the illusion that life is nothing more than our bodies and this world we seem to walk around in everyday. I remember talking to my wife about this exact thing early on in the process. I’ve been experiencing changes within myself that in my opinion are so profound and life-altering, that who I thought I was prior to all of this has disappeared altogether. And, based on what has happened so far, I would caution anyone who is interested in seeking the same thing to really think long and hard about your state of mind, and whether or not you are truly ready to go down this road. It is difficult and long, and I am absolutely sure that once it begins, there is no going back to what once was. Sometimes I want nothing more than to sit down and zone-out as I previously did, to do mindless things without my thought process getting too deep about anything. But, I cannot. My state of consciousness is now permanently in this new reality, seeking the truth and trying to see through the lies and propaganda of life – in everything I do. This is part of it all – at least for me. I was opened up to an entirely new reality and brought to a doorway, which then closed behind me as I passed through it. My previous life instantly transformed into something else more meaningful and I could no longer go back to who I was.
This is what is happening in my case. And, I suppose that it is somewhat different for everyone, in one way or another. However, once you personally experience this and feel your body over-run with a cosmic energy that vibrates and pulses and flows up-and-down your body, titillating your senses and nerves, re-shaping your mind and shattering your illusions, and taking you outside your self to some other non-physical, unearthly realm – you can no longer be the same person you once were and can no longer maintain a world-view that we are simply born into this world for a short period of time, we live a quick life full of meaningless experiences, then we die. It absolutely has to be more than that. The inception of this phenomenon touches upon that notion and brings us another step closer to realizing what we’re all about.
Because I am not a religious man, some religiously-oriented people might view this as having been taken over by demons or a false god, and that it is more imperative than ever now, that I seek out help from someone with the church to exorcise those demons. This, I view, as a single-minded, black-and-white approach to life that believes there is only the one god who has previously dictated by proxy a set of laws of which man has to follow. And, if he/she does not, there is nothing else in life but an eternity of damnation to hell or torment by evil forces. However, on the flip-side, if I was religious, whether that be categorized as a Christian or anything else, and had experienced the same sort of thing, it might also have been attributed to being anointed by the holy spirit and my status elevated to some degree within the church. I’m sure this sort of thing does in fact happen to other people of a religious persuasion – in fact those of all races, classes, and philosophical beliefs. On the other hand, there are probably some who would suggest that if I were genuinely a god-fearing man, something such as this might never have happened to me – lending credence to the idea that god provides for and protects those that serve him. There always seems to be some sort of explanation, one way or the other, for everything when it comes to supporters of religion – something that fits in nicely with what their religious text states, and that which makes followers feel better about what they believe in.
The truly amazing thing about all of this, which in some sense you can call an epiphany, is that I reached a new point in my degree of conscious awareness and physical condition, and had an immediate transformation in my thought process and perception of reality. The idea of “oneness” took on a deeper meaning to me, in a sense that I now knew through direct experience, that a higher intelligence and all-permeating form of energy exists and is entirely integrated with our physical bodies. Of course, the term “epiphany” doesn’t accurately describe what it is or encompass the exact nature of the experience, but on some miniscule level that is what it is. An intellectual curiosity about phenomena outside the norm in human existence, the underlying belief that there is more to life than what we see, the tendency towards finding deeper meanings, an affinity for mysticism, and the idea that human beings have more untapped supernatural abilities than we realize, are all characteristics of my personality going back as far as I can remember. This to me suggests a relationship between how I’ve lived my life, or at the very least, my openness to different things, and the manifestation of this cosmic energy that is now affecting it. This writing represents the still-unfolding story about what led up to all of this and how my life is changing as a result of it.