It’s difficult for me to comprehend how the inculcation of this process and opening of this doorway might change me in the coming years. I have a feeling that there are too many physiological aspects and levels of intricacy to which this force might affect my body; I don’t know how my thought process or biological configuration might be transformed beyond what their current state is. In only a short period of time so far though, my primary point of reference, or locus of control, with regard to seeking answers to my questions now comes from within instead of without. And, while in the past I’ve let my intuition guide me in my decision-making process, I do it now without first even considering going outside to someone or something else. I trust myself and the intuitive process more than I ever have before because I feel like it is a direct connection with this field of pure intelligence and consciousness we are all a part of. In stating this though, I’m not suggesting in any way that I have gained any super-normal intuitive powers. But, that because of this experience I’ve become more aware that the truth I seek, my path, can only be fully realized by yielding my full faith and trust that internal reflection is the key to it all. In other words, god is within us and not some external entity providing to us what we need as we ask for it through prayer.
This compulsion I now have to search within myself for answers has outwardly affected my personality at least to the extent that I may generally seem quieter than before. And, while I was somewhat like this before it all started, I imagine the perception to some is that something may not be quite right with me. I think though, this will pass over time as I begin to better understand the process and transform my life into something with deeper spiritual meaning. I often wonder how my children view me, especially with what I am now going through. Do they notice any changes? Do they pick up on any subtle energies or moods that I seem to move in and out of so often? Are there any side effects of this that have an affect on them, being so close day in and day out. I’ve noticed recently my three-year old daughter has been excessively clingy since this all started, which was a change from her normal behavior. Does her innocence and free-spirited mind allow her to sense something different is happening to me that draws her in?
At this stage, two months into it, there seems to be a myriad of ways in which my physical body has been affected; most obvious to me being an almost continual state of fatigue. The overall level of energy I have seems to fluctuate over the short-term, but generally speaking it seems to be sapping my energy long-term. For example, the level to which I was once able to exercise my body physically has decreased since this was initiated, although the mental motivation to do it is still there. My only thought is that it is a re-direction of vitality needed to recuperate my body as I continue to adapt to what is happening to me. I still question though whether or not my diet is sufficient enough to compensate for it, and I try to continually be aware of how my body reacts to the timing, quantity, and quality of my food intake. Even in light of this, what is most peculiar to me is that it still doesn’t take as much exercise as it once did, to maintain the level of physical fitness as before. My metabolism seems to have become more efficient, as I do less and achieve more in a physical sense. The most problematic part of my over 40 body in the past few years has been trying to minimize body fat around my mid-section. Now, it’s simply not there. Although, this is purely a physical concern and one associated more with ego than anything else. As I view my body in the mirror, I am amazed at the overall level of lean muscle despite the fact my normal routine has been interrupted so much. I can literally exercise my abdominal area once or twice per week and it is as lean as it’s ever been before. It makes me wonder about the extent to which someone who was not fit in any sense of the word would to adapt to this spiritual awakening. How much does physical conditioning impact the process, if any?
In utter amazement, and with regard to the idea that the release of this energy has a life-altering side effect on those around you, I have witnessed a change in my wife that is both truly exciting for me and bewildering. In the same time period, which is too coincidental to simply disregard, I have listened to her describe to me on many occasions, a new way of thinking and living that is now a part of her life. She now seems to want to seek a life of truth and meaning, one that makes a real difference in the world. My perception is that she now seems to see clearly through the ridiculousness of society, the utter pointlessness to which we humans have become so caught up in the race for material things and self-gratifying distractions – that so destroys the sanctity of our inherent human spirit and the evolution of mankind. I have listened to her describe to me again and again a desire to live a life consistent with these values. This, to me, points to the fact that for some reason, whether related to my experiences or not, she now views life in a fundamentally different way than before – and one that at its core is unable to ignore the truth and reality of the world we now find ourselves in. It suggests to me that whatever energetic changes I am going through, in some way have also wrought similar changes within her. I assume it has something to do with the close physical proximity on a daily basis, or perhaps even the connection we have as husband and wife on an entirely mental or psychological level that necessarily ties us together in this regard. Ultimately, it is this need to find meaning and truth to our existence that transforms us, pushes us towards the goal of achieving harmony and balance with nature, and finding oneness with everything and everyone.
I also have this notion within my mind that it is changing me automatically, and that I’m not actually trying to be a certain way in order to align with it. It’s as if as soon as this started, my DNA and thought process was instantly re-programmed to something else, something better that cleared away my vices, my unresolved issues, my lingering questions and doubts about what is real or not. The sense of detachment to things unimportant, that I claimed to have prior to this occurrence, was strengthened and validated in my mind by the fact that I now personally experienced a phenomenon so unquestionably powerful, that I could no longer even attempt to convince myself otherwise. And, when I did try to go back on myself and slip into the old ways, I was summarily reminded of the fact through a host of physical symptoms related specifically to what it was I was doing. At least in the beginning, I experienced intolerable headaches and exhaustion for consuming even a small glass of wine and the most piercing cranial pains when I regressed into negative thought patterns. To someone not familiar with the process in any way, or for what its effect is on the human body, the question might be asked “What does any of this have to do with a spiritual awakening?” In my relatively emergent foray into of all this, my supposition is that spiritual awakening, as I’m experiencing it, is all about finding balance and understanding; a coalescing of mind, body, and spirit, that ties together every aspect of our lives, and stresses the importance of love and respect for all living things. There is not one little thing – from a speck of food we ingest, to the words we choose to say to one another, to the thoughts in our mind, that do not have an affect on our being, however minute and imperceptible. In my mind then, among other things, the release of this energy has the effect of amplifying and sensitizing the body in a more dramatic fashion, and to make one realize and remember the deeper conscious nature and potential of our true selves.