When the kundalini awakens within you, it takes everything you think you know and rips it to shreds. Every belief, thought, and perception of what is right versus wrong & good versus evil is effectively destroyed and no longer seems to exist (in the same way) within your mind. The morning I woke up after this awakening had occurred and it showed to me that forces actually do exist in the universe which I thought were previously nonexistent, I became a completely different person – although it took me a while to truly realize the magnitude of the effects. The very nature of my personality shifted to such a great degree, that in retrospect, I considered this new personality to be foreign to that which existed before. At first, I made some effort to maintain the veneer of my old self for the sake of not frightening those around me with such a drastic and immediate change. But, over time I found it impossible to continue doing this. In large part because my mind had now shifted to another way of being, and because I felt so strongly that such an intense struggle was now ensuing from within, which consisted of opposing cognitive beliefs and a newly-realized knowledge of hidden potentials within man, that it could no longer be ignored or put aside.
Before all this happened, in my mind and based upon my existing mental framework and ideology, I had presupposed a set of questions and answers about life – things that I thought I had worked out on some level, which helped to provide some semblance of meaning, purpose, or direction in which to go about living. I had always believed that on some level, humanity had the potential to evolve in ways that transcended the purely physical world we live in. Perhaps this is part of the reason why, at this time, I set forth along a path to explore these frontiers in a deeper way. Maybe this was my allotted time to do so or maybe something happened to me that triggered a desire and curiosity to seek out something different. Either way, it was neither entirely intellectual nor spiritual, but a combination of both. And, as I’ve alluded to previously, I intuitively felt as if I was being nudged and goaded down this path, suggesting to me that it was time to move beyond the life I had been living up to that point and to now do something else.
One of the most obvious and drastic personality changes in my mind was the level of quietude and internal reflection that was now occurring on a regular basis and becoming a dominant factor in how I experienced things when I was awake. My personality was somewhat quiet to begin with, and now even more so, which probably went a long way in helping to conceal the intensification to which this trait was now taking hold. I suppose to some people there was perhaps not such a noticeable change about me, and that it was all internalized in my perception. I suppose too in some ways, I simply no longer had the desire to go outside of my self in order to answer questions that could be answered from within. And, when I use this terminology “within”, I don’t necessarily mean my own thought process, but in actuality a deeper connection to the source that is ultimately where my life force and consciousness emanates from. A source that is accessible through meditation, internal reflection, and quiet. It was quite literally an instantaneous transformation from being someone who, at least on some small level, still held a notion that we were somewhat isolated individuals who were perhaps connected to some other source of knowledge and wisdom; to being someone who now understood firsthand that we are certainly and inexplicably connected to and a part of a greater living consciousness with potentials far beyond our wildest dreams.
Most of the time now, I find myself walking around in daily life, at work and at home, in this continually broody state of mind with a sort of invisible barrier of tranquility and introspection that even the most confusing and busy surroundings can not seem to penetrate. During the day, even when I’m surrounded by noisy and confusing situations which envelope me, with children fussing or adults conversing; I have this ability to remain aware of what is happening, seemingly only on the surface of my mind, and still shielded from its superficial nonsense that for many people distracts them from any sense of discernment of true reality and importance. My now inward-pointing personality reflects a predilection I have towards being with myself and a lack of desire to socialize in many ways with people. At this point in my life, I now seek out peace and quiet in my surroundings to appease this newly acquired need for solace. Since this all began, I’ve felt at times almost completely turned off from anything that resembled normal, mundane living, and preoccupied with an internal journey of sorts and with exploring the frontiers between all the different facets of the hidden life I now believe to exist.
Another interesting aspect of this has been my inability or lack of desire to do anything that might have negative karmic effects related to it. As time passed, I found it strangely uncomfortable to do things such as talk about people behind their backs, judge or criticize, hold grudges, speak angrily, or even attempt to discuss with others that I’ve realized some amazing truth about life. I’m not making any extra effort to not do these things in order to progress down some sort of spiritual path. It’s just now a part of who I am, initiated through this process that is occurring within me and ostensibly because of a greater understanding of the “oneness” of everything, the realization that we are all at varying points in our personal journeys, and that everything just is what it is. Nothing should be taken personally, there is no need for it. There is no one right way of living life – everyone has their own paths. There are however certain actions, perhaps all actions for that matter, that have an opposite karmic effect that we should be aware of. There is a balance to life that is maintained automatically by the universe, whether we know it or not. This is part of the karma. And, all of this now induces me to be even more so detached from superficial aspects of life and outcomes of which I seemingly have little to do with.
This detached personality trait that now exists can be misconstrued as something that makes me seem uncaring or distant to some. To me, it is evidence of the fact that I have in some way grasped hold of another level of consciousness and no longer live my life concerned primarily with physical matters, knowing that deep within there is something going on that transcends all of it. A greater vision has been realized, another dot has been connected in the grand scheme of things that has shown to me a clearer picture of what “reality” actually is (or is not). This is not to say that life itself, as we know it in worldly terms, is not in one sense or another a part of the universal reality or purposeful in any way. It is perhaps though, only one phase in the evolution of life and understanding of who or what we really are. There is a difficulty though with the sense of detachment I experience now, that sometimes makes me feel very alone. To begin with, I don’t feel as though I can go back to the way I was previously. I can’t un-detach from life as most of us perceive it. I’ve jumped down into the rabbit hole and there is quite literally no way back out. I wasn’t advised of this fact when I started, in earnest, on my journey for the truth. My path of learning and experiences up to this point have shown to me a different view of life, they have revealed some of the hidden doors behind all the scraggly thicket, and they have illuminated to me the supernatural nature of reality itself – at the very least that there are invisible forces and an intelligence working hand-in-hand with the physical body, if not manifesting the physical body in its entirety. If I were to try and go back to how I was beforehand, I would just be lying to myself and wouldn’t be able to do that for very long because it is entirely out-of-sync with my current state of being.
All of this makes me feel at times as if I am a stranger in a strange land. One where people are going about their daily routine, concerned primarily with the rudimentaries of life and seeking a subsistence that is unnatural, manufactured, and pre-packaged – from chemical-laced junk food to the continuous seeking of entertainment and distractions that keep everyone anesthetized from seeking the truth about who they really are. I find it difficult these days to listen in and engage in conversations with people, because underlying most topics of discussion are the individual distortions inherent in each personality. This is all part of the adventure of life, yes. And, that people are all at different points in their personal journeys, as I mentioned. I just now feel a difficulty in relating to all of it when I wake up every day. It’s sort of like when you practice a sport and reach a certain level of skill. You want to continue to push yourself to get better and better by playing with people who are at or above your level. It’s not that you don’t continue to play pick-up games around the neighborhood with everyone. But, it’s that you have a deep desire to make it to the professional levels and see what true potential lies within – how far you can push it, so to speak. That is the crowd you now find yourself aspiring to associate with.
Where does this new personality take me in the future? How different will I be in the years to come? How often do we find those who are fortunate enough to have experienced this awakening, be able to really come to terms with what has happened and to learn from it and incorporate this new reality into their existing lives? Or, is it that this process fundamentally changes everything you know and nothing is even remotely the same again? Based on my experiences so far, I can see how someone who is perhaps not grounded in themselves or who does not understand the kundalini sufficiently, can be driven completely mad by the changes brought about by such a process. I have at times felt such a dizzying array of physical symptoms, accompanied with the continuous breakdown of my existing belief systems which creates at least a temporary cognitive dissonance; in which I haven’t known where to turn for help or how to come to terms with the thoughts running through my mind. Thankfully though, this hasn’t been the norm most of the time.