The sense of confusion and disbelief I still have over what has been happening to my body continues, with me asking myself every type of question imaginable as to how and why this is actually possible. Why am I doing this though? I’ve been at least somewhat consistent with practicing meditation over the years and have read books on everything from meditation to martial arts to conscious evolution – topics that are related in one way or another to the exploration of our human potential. Had I done this purely out of intellectual curiosity or because I really had some inner belief that human beings had the potential for extra-normal abilities, and that they just might be real? That, life as we know it, isn’t as it seems. It reminds me of the old adage: “Be careful what you wish for, it just might come true”. This certainly seems to be the case with me. Because, I can’t explain any of it, except for the outside possibility that I am either going insane or that these are physical manifestations from some sort of cosmic or solar activity of which I’m not entirely aware of. Could there be a relationship to this sort of thing? I don’t know, maybe. It sure makes everything that is happening that much more intriguing and introduces the distinct possibility that everything we know of on this planet and beyond, is connected through a subtle field of energy and intelligence, that is not necessarily a result of happenstance. My apparent arousal of this evolutionary energy suggests to me that all human beings have this innately within them, and that through a more complete understanding of our self, we can bring this forth. And, if this is the case, whereby we can initiate an evolutionary change within our body, mind, and spirit in this way; it absolutely cannot be said that we are simply a product of chance adaptation over time – as taught to us by scholars throughout the world. And that, yes, there is in fact some sort of intelligent design that permeates all living things and we are all progressing down the same path towards a higher consciousness. It just may not necessarily be the same design that religions of the world tell us it is.
Everything that has occurred is causing me to reflect on my life and wonder about what I went through and learned in my past experiences that allowed me to reach this point. When I think about the esoteric nature of kundalini energy, or as it’s referred to in other cultures and religions as chi, holy spirit, or n/um; it makes me think of something that only the most dedicated and spiritual of us could ever attain. I envision holy men high atop a mountain monastery meditating most of the day, or religious adepts who spend all their time giving to others and praying to a god. I’ve never thought of these terms as being synonymous with what everyday people could achieve within a lifetime. But, why wouldn’t I? That would suggest that some people are more superior to others in terms of spiritual potential. And, perhaps this is just my misconception or ignorance about the whole process. At the same time, it never made sense to me to think that in order to take that next evolutionary step in life, you have to give up everything and meditate all day long. If that were the case, nothing would ever get accomplished in the world. So, I suppose in that sense, there has always been something inside me that believed everyone had the potential to consciously evolve, while simultaneously living a normal life, and that there was no one strict way of doing it.
The question to me was always just – how to do it? In my life I’ve always done things my own way, by having to actually learn lessons myself, instead of being told what I should do. This, I think, is a key to it all. I actually remember asking myself on many occasions as I grew up, “Why do I always have to learn things the hard way?” It meant that I had to personally experience life, good and bad, in order to really digest it and make it a part of me, to learn my lessons so to speak. I suppose I can thank my parents to some degree, for allowing me the freedom to go about and make my own decisions on things. This opportunity for self-learning in order to better understand ourselves and how we interact with others is one, of a number of different areas in life that we need to embrace, in order to achieve a well-balanced mind, body, and spirit. Everything is connected, as we will see. Our thought process affects our physical body, which in turn affects our perceptions of ourselves, which affects how we interact with others in the world, which is then related to psychological and spiritual growth; and it just goes back-and-forth and round-and-round in every imaginable direction. There is nothing in isolation from anything else, except for the illusions we create within our own minds. In the end, it is this oneness, this understanding of the inter-connectedness in life that allows us to perceive a greater reality of consciousness and opens the door to higher evolution.
My experiences leading up to this awakening go back beyond the last year. Although in retrospect, I can see a series of events and realizations in that year alone that convince me that I was in some sort of final grounding for what was to come. This includes physical, psychological, intellectual, and spiritual growth and changes. I know this may sound generic in a sense, but with everything that I was going through, that I was learning about, it had some impact on my personality in all these different areas. As a result of everything that has happened, I believe that life has a way of providing exactly what you need on a daily basis, in order to continue your evolution towards becoming a more enlightened human being. A key though is to be aware that things actually do happen for a reason, that synchronicities are real, and that you need to make a conscious effort to learn from all your experiences in order to take lessons from them. This suggests to me that nature, or our environment, is part of the infinite intelligence of the universe and knows exactly what is needed in life at all times. In this way, we therefore have to respect and live in harmony with nature. There have been far too many things leading up to this that one might attribute to mere coincidence, that led me from one thing to the next and to the next – all in what appears to be an intelligent and organized plan of action. I can see this in hindsight and can literally map out how my thought process and spiritual knowledge had transformed over the final months. It absolutely amazes me when I think about it! And, I don’t necessarily attribute this to me having a plan of action in place, with an intention to achieve some sort of spiritual awakening. But, rather that I was spontaneously provided information at just the right time, that directed my efforts in just the right way, to then realize this outcome.
When I suggest the idea that life provides everything you need in order to continue your evolution, I imagine this might seem strange to many who aren’t used to thinking in this way. In some sense then, this statement makes it seem like we don’t have complete control over our own destinies, and that there is some intelligent force beyond our grasp that has some say in how our lives end up. I obviously can’t confirm or prove any of this. But, I’m saying that I believe without a doubt, that there is an intelligent force, a design, that is relentlessly guiding everyone and everything to a higher state of being. But, as conscious beings ourselves, we have to learn our lessons in the physical world, in our own way, in order to take that next step along the path. It is this very idea of “in our own way” that allows each one of us to individualize our own evolution and to be able to effect change regardless of who we are physically or intellectually or spiritually.
As I mentioned before, going into the second week, I did have several more experiences at night when the energy had manifested in a noticeable way. But, because of its apparent transformation during the first week, it happened in a more controlled manner and with primarily a more pronounced feeling in my head. This occurred twice that week, for short periods, at times when I had gone to bed after either meditating or having already been in a deeper, contemplative-type mood. I again started to question what it was that triggered this effect and whether or not it was a direct result of my state of mind. During the daylight hours I continued to feel out of sorts, mostly with pressure in my head, strange aches and pains throughout my body, exhaustion, and a sense of being outside my physical body much of the time. My lack of sleep still continued in part due to my existing sleeping arrangements, and because of what I perceived to be the toll this force was taking on my body through the persistent, subtle flow of energy I was experiencing. It seemed that at any time, I could bring myself into a meditative state and noticeably feel the current of energy flowing up and around in my brain. During those times when I thought it was going away, I would test myself by doing this, to see if I still felt the same way. What became peculiar to me, was that when I really did start to think it was going away, oftentimes it would spontaneously become more pronounced, as to remind me that it doesn’t just go away.
It was sometimes difficult trying to work while feeling like I was living outside of my body. The look in my eyes must have told others that something wasn’t quite right, because I felt as though I was staring through people in a daze when talking with them. Or, as I perceived on several occasions, my gaze into another person’s eyes seemed to be so still and unyielding, that it seemed as though I was trying to peer into their soul during conversation. I often felt the need to look away in another direction, as to not make the person feel too uncomfortable with me being so intent on maintaining a visual connection. And yet, I was so intrigued with this aspect of it all, and that my soul seemed to be so relaxed and in a constant state of internal reflection and peace, and that my visual senses reflected such an immense deepening on the inside that I couldn’t quite explain. For whatever reason, my verbal abilities had been affected in such a way that I had some difficulty speaking and verbalizing ideas as quickly and easily as before. I was slower in my speech like you might notice when either completely exhausted or on some sort of prescription drug that makes you artificially drowsy. This still seems to be affecting me now, several years later – at least on a periodic basis and at random times.